How the Chinese Fire Kites Stole Christmas

by The Benefit

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about

It was Christmas Eve and all through the house not a creature was stirring. But below, in the basement, the Chinese Fire Kites were rocking out! They had their amps cranked so loud that they didn't hear the clatter out on the lawn, as Robot Santa gunned down all the naughty girls and boys. The Fire Kites partied all night long with all the milk and cookies their stomachs could take. Christmas morning came, and with it, a batch of fresh songs. Presented by The Benefit, "How the Chinese Fire Kites Stole Christmas" will rock your stockings right off, and hit you in the jollies so hard that you're sure to be laughing all the way through New Year's.

credits

released November 27, 2014

Grant Cox - vocals, drums
Matt Daly - vocals, bass, production
Max Shaffer - vocals, guitar, artwork

All songs written by G. Cox/M. Daly/A. Shaffer
Recorded in the Basement.

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all rights reserved

about

The Benefit Winchester, Indiana

The Benefit is an alternative rock band from East-Central Indiana that serves up a tasty musical palette by combining elements of funk, punk, and reggae to create a truly unique sound.

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Track Name: Peppermint Mocha (I Bet Your Lovin's So Sweet)
I see you making coffee on this snowy winter's night
While I'm waiting at the drive-thru, wishing you were in my life
I bet you have guys ask you out all the time, don't ya?
I bet your lovin's so sweet like peppermint mocha
I bet you have dudes telling you that your cute all the time
But the only wish on my Christmas list is that you would be mine
I bet you have guys ask you out all the time, don't ya?
I bet your lovin's so sweet like peppermint mocha
Like peppermint mocha
Track Name: Jacob Marley
Ebeneezer man, don't be a geezer man
Got employees working Christmas day, just to please you man
But that won't fly, so that's why
You got three different ghosts, gonna visit you tonight
They gonna show you the errors of your ways
Gonna be a different man come Christmas day
Track Name: T-Rexmas (A Nativity Story 65 Million Years in the Making)
65 million years ago today
Laid a little baby in a manger of hay
His arms were short, his teeth were sharp
Destined for more than an amusement park
Time went by and the boy grew large
Age six was the size of a car
Which he swallowed whole by the age of seven
Helped all those tourists drive straight into heaven

ROAR! ROAR!
Love my little baby Jesus dinosaur
ROAR! ROAR!
Wise men ride in on velociraptors

(For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son
To be ruler of the dinosaur kingdom, so let the dinosaur kingdom come)

When the tr-pharisees attacked
Little Jesus-rex didn't hold back
He slammed his tail and he let out a roar
And they cried 'this is the savior we've been waiting for!'

ROAR! ROAR!
Love my little baby Jesus dinosaur
ROAR! ROAR!
Wise men ride in on velociraptors
ROAR! ROAR!
Love my little baby Jesus dinosaur
ROAR! ROAR!
The cold blooded savior we've been waiting for
Track Name: Christmas at Aperture Science
Christmas at Aperture Science is just like having Christmas at home
Everyone wants a companion and no one likes being alone
But this year all I want is to go out with Chell
I'd go to the moon and back to portal out of this hell
And if I never saw another companion cube
I'd be fine if I'm a companion with you
As long as I'm a companion with you
Track Name: The Reindeer Song
Well, there's:

dasher
dancer
prancer
vixen
comet
cupid
donner
blitzen
rudolph
billy
frank
lucy
gary
tina
pedro
jim
waldo
bort
goku
vladmir
bambi
his mom
flounder
get some
mojo
toilet
annyong
pop-pop
poptarts
jenga
diddy
donkey
ice cube
easy
yella
jay-z
bender
zoidberg
scooby
mermaid
reindeer
llama
farcus
goodbar
mungus
corncob
prom queen
french fry
pancakes
hungry
foosball
sofa
herman
dasher 2
batman
keith
oprah
lefty
coco
wrinkles
rocko
squirt
shatner
nemoy
snorlax
phil
junior
billy
goofy
mondo
doodad
gizmo
saggy
mondays
cheezer
biscuit
roger
harold
nomad
bingo
becca
moustache
switchblade
bellhop
olaf
bjork
weezer
sleepy
sheldon
smallpox
bowtie
christmas
billy
scotty
ringo
starwars
shim sham
swashbuckle
poop-deck
buckwheat
mothball
pizza
waffles
frinky
twinkles
hamburg
jordan
bing shin
kiko
toothpaste
toenail
pinetree
lint fuzz
gombo
pokey
tassles
gravy
beatbox
ygritte
herbie
fonzy
furby
wampa
junebug
isaac
kleenex
rosey
kashi
ferris
tweety
alf
porkchop
hermione
neal
stiffler
skinner
tom tom
bluejay
slinky
bleep blorp
bubba
sandwich
matza
flag day
knobby
twitchy
fluoride
sasquatch
horseshoe
beemo
t-rex
albert
julie
fluffy
payday
mohammed
keenan
beans
bees
beaver
douglas
quailman
skeeter
mayonnaise
sandy
narwal
cyclops
tiki
leelo
rhonda
cardboard
stacey
carlos
benji
flower
craig
milner
dilly
phonebook
gertrude
wonka
sundance
rockhill
speckles
gilbert
gurgle
wiener
jon jon
wernstrum
kit kat
cubert
boredy
glitter
hodgepodge
twister
listy
bop it
brewski
jonas
gavin
crowbar
nedry
cream cheese
if youre
still listening
the walrus
was paul
jeffy
billy
Track Name: Gunned Down by Santa Claus (I Didn't See It Coming)
Gunned down by Santa Claus, I didn't see this coming
Robot Santa's in his sleigh, I'm stuck in the streets running
Everything was merry until the Xmas parade
That's when Santa started dropping grendades

RUN! RUN!
As fast as you can
I wish I was the gingerbread man
RUN! RUN!
You're gonna get shot
Either by Santa or the Kwanza-bot
RUN! RUN!
You're gonna be dead
Wish Christmas was blue instead of red
RUN! RUN!
He's gunnin' you down
'Cause Santa Claus is coming to town
Track Name: Liza (You Didn't Ask for It, But) Here's Your Christmas Song
If I wrote you a Christmas song
I'm sure I would get the words all wrong
I'd talk about elves and mistletoe
And egg nog shakes and playing in the snow
But a girl like you deserves much more
Not the silly song that I have in store
A girl so smart, above the rest
I hope my Christmas song will pass the test

You know I love reindeer and Mrs. Claus
And that stupid puppy movie called Santa Paws
I love opening presents in my flannel pjs
I love eating all the stuffing on Christmas Day
I love all of these things about this time of year
Spending all our days with the ones we hold dear
More dearer than dasher I think you're the best
But this isn't Valentine's Day so I'll give it a rest
Track Name: Sleigh Bells
Sleigh bells don't sound like snow
But for whatever reason they're the sound of the season
They're in every Christmas tune I know

Wrote a song about the beach
I wrote a song about summer
I wrote a song about girls in bikins
But man its a bummer
'Cause in all my rushing around
I picked the wrong percussion sound
And now I think about snow
Can't help but picture snow
Cause that's what sleigh bells do
Track Name: Christmas for the Taliban
Osama never celebrated the birth of Jesus Christ
His followers have never played hockey on the ice
December isn't jolly when you spend it in the sand
There's no trees, no Santa Claus when you're in the Taliban

The sky's light up with missiles aimed at flying sleighs
Star of wonder? Silent Night? No! "Independence Day"
December isn't jolly when you spend it in the sand
There's no trees, no Santa Claus when you're in the Taliban

On Earth we pray for peace, but the Middle East is hell
No snowball's chance we'll see the end or hear the silver bells
December isn't jolly when you spend it in the sand
There's no trees, no Santa Claus, no Christmas for the Taliban
Track Name: Jesus, Please Keep Us Safe from the Black Friday Shoppers
Jesus, please keep us safe from those Black Friday shoppers
Jesus, please keep us safe cause I don't wanna die tonight
I don't wanna die in the back of the line at Target
I don't wanna die just trying to save a buck
I'd rather be home sleeping in, than fight them crazies again
If you think I'm heading out there you're out of luck
Jesus, please keep us safe from those Black Friday shoppers
Jesus, please keep us safe cause I don't wanna die tonight
Track Name: Godzilla Saves Christmas
Christmas Eve in Tokyo and Santa Claus has yet to show
'Cause Rodan's on a rampage again
Santa turns his sleigh around but hears that old familiar sound
The roar of old Godzilla, our friend

Goji' does a body slam and takes a heavy punch from Rodan
Our hero down, the evil one takes flight
Just when all is lost it seems, Godzilla shoots his laser beam
And Rodan falls defeated in the night

And with the monster out of the sky
Santa's sleigh is free to fly
That's how Godzilla saved Christmas

Its crazy but its true
He's the holiday kaiju
That's how Godzilla saves Christmas